Hello everyone, and welcome to the Second Day of Christmassacre. And today, I’ve got something very special to talk about with you all. So, we all had fun talking about the popular horror movie Black Christmas. Well, today, let’s talk about the total opposite. Instead of a good and popular Christmas horror movie, let’s talk about and obscure and not so good Christmas horror movie. The movie in question is the “classic”, Elves.
When I say it out loud, Elves doesn’t sound like a good movie title. Unless you’re looking to create a sequel for that one Elf movie with Will Ferrell. Who knows, maybe this movie may give Hollywood some ideas. Anyway, Elves takes place in the good old days of the 80s. When everyone had Walkmen and was afraid of Russia. Those were the good old days. So, get ready for this juicy plot. The movie stars a young Aryan girl named Kristen, who, after cutting her hand and spills blood in the woods, releases a dangerous elf monster. As it turns out (And I’m not making this shit up), the elf is part of a neo-Nazi experiment that has been around for many years, as Hitler wanted to create a perfect race of elves, and Kristen, being the last Aryan virgin in the world, is the only key to achieving this. Her grandfather, who is also her father, also due to the experiments, is a reformed Nazi soldier and tries to protect her, along with stone cold ex-cop Mike McGavin (Which is the most action movie-like name ever), who works as a department store Santa to stop the Elves from taking over the world… I am not making this up, people. This is a real movie that was made.
Okay, so, first off, visually, this movie looks really bad. The camera work is really lazy, and it looks like an 80s sitcom, but with a smaller budget. My movie class short films looked more visually appealing than this film. But, I’l give this movie the benefit of the doubt. It was 1989. Cinema wasn’t as huge back then as it is today. At least the designs of the Elves look very good, right? I mean, this was around the time of the first Alien movie, so surely the monster must look good… I wish it did. No, instead, the Elves look like these ugly rubber puppets. The guys operating them just look so uncomfortable throughout the entire movie. You can just tell that these things are fake as hell. The movement on them is limited and sloppy like crazy too. Also, fun fact, there aren’t elves. There’s just one singular elf in the movie killing people. And it doesn’t even look like an elf. It looks more like a tall goblin looking thing. Anything but an elf. This was the perfect race Hitler wanted to create? They look terrible. I wouldn’t let that in my house. What am I saying, even if I did, who would know what movie it was from?
This movie is so limited in so many ways. The camera, the actors, the monster, which should be the high point of this movie but in the case of Elves, the monster is as poor as everything else in this movie. So, at least the story manages to be entertaining and batshit insane enough for me to enjoy. And at the climax of the movie, Kristen finally manages to destroy the (ONE) elf by doing some sort of ritual after just happening to run into the same woods that the ritual took place. Kristen tells the boy she likes that had no real need to be in this movie that she likes him, they get together, and the movie ends… Or does it? The final shot of the film shows baby elf, showing that, perhaps, the plan was a success… Even though the plan was for the elf to have intercourse with Kristen, and failed in doing so because it was destroyed by Kirsten before he could… Look, by this point in the movie, you probably don’t care, because the movies now over so you can go home now.
Elves was a horror movie that was made on a small budget… And it clearly shows. Poorly acted, bad writing, a story that no sane person would think up, and one of the ugliest monster designs I’ve ever seen. In the end, do I recommend Elves? Yes! Yes I do! This movie is so bad, that it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. You wouldn’t believe a movie this insane would exist, but it certainly does. I don’t recommend watching it alone, however. It’s best you watch this disaster with friends. Trust me, it’s totally worth it. Take care.
When I say it out loud, Elves doesn’t sound like a good movie title. Unless you’re looking to create a sequel for that one Elf movie with Will Ferrell. Who knows, maybe this movie may give Hollywood some ideas. Anyway, Elves takes place in the good old days of the 80s. When everyone had Walkmen and was afraid of Russia. Those were the good old days. So, get ready for this juicy plot. The movie stars a young Aryan girl named Kristen, who, after cutting her hand and spills blood in the woods, releases a dangerous elf monster. As it turns out (And I’m not making this shit up), the elf is part of a neo-Nazi experiment that has been around for many years, as Hitler wanted to create a perfect race of elves, and Kristen, being the last Aryan virgin in the world, is the only key to achieving this. Her grandfather, who is also her father, also due to the experiments, is a reformed Nazi soldier and tries to protect her, along with stone cold ex-cop Mike McGavin (Which is the most action movie-like name ever), who works as a department store Santa to stop the Elves from taking over the world… I am not making this up, people. This is a real movie that was made.
Okay, so, first off, visually, this movie looks really bad. The camera work is really lazy, and it looks like an 80s sitcom, but with a smaller budget. My movie class short films looked more visually appealing than this film. But, I’l give this movie the benefit of the doubt. It was 1989. Cinema wasn’t as huge back then as it is today. At least the designs of the Elves look very good, right? I mean, this was around the time of the first Alien movie, so surely the monster must look good… I wish it did. No, instead, the Elves look like these ugly rubber puppets. The guys operating them just look so uncomfortable throughout the entire movie. You can just tell that these things are fake as hell. The movement on them is limited and sloppy like crazy too. Also, fun fact, there aren’t elves. There’s just one singular elf in the movie killing people. And it doesn’t even look like an elf. It looks more like a tall goblin looking thing. Anything but an elf. This was the perfect race Hitler wanted to create? They look terrible. I wouldn’t let that in my house. What am I saying, even if I did, who would know what movie it was from?
This movie is so limited in so many ways. The camera, the actors, the monster, which should be the high point of this movie but in the case of Elves, the monster is as poor as everything else in this movie. So, at least the story manages to be entertaining and batshit insane enough for me to enjoy. And at the climax of the movie, Kristen finally manages to destroy the (ONE) elf by doing some sort of ritual after just happening to run into the same woods that the ritual took place. Kristen tells the boy she likes that had no real need to be in this movie that she likes him, they get together, and the movie ends… Or does it? The final shot of the film shows baby elf, showing that, perhaps, the plan was a success… Even though the plan was for the elf to have intercourse with Kristen, and failed in doing so because it was destroyed by Kirsten before he could… Look, by this point in the movie, you probably don’t care, because the movies now over so you can go home now.
Elves was a horror movie that was made on a small budget… And it clearly shows. Poorly acted, bad writing, a story that no sane person would think up, and one of the ugliest monster designs I’ve ever seen. In the end, do I recommend Elves? Yes! Yes I do! This movie is so bad, that it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. You wouldn’t believe a movie this insane would exist, but it certainly does. I don’t recommend watching it alone, however. It’s best you watch this disaster with friends. Trust me, it’s totally worth it. Take care.