Wind: (Walks over to the Empress) So, yeah, when I went to those other towns to find the cure for the plague…. They tried to lynch me, but since they were worried they’d get the plague from touching me, they then started shooting at me with rifles. I had arrows and firebombs thrown at me. I think I breathed in enough bomb ash that it’s fucking up my lungs as we speak.
Empress: Oh, this is terrible
Wind: You’re damn right it’s terrible. I’m the only one in this damn city with an attention span lasting more than five seconds, so if I die, we’ve all pretty much lost the only person worth anything
(A group of assassins kill the Empress and take Princess Emily)
Wind: Holy shit, they just came out of nowhere. And they killed the queen. Well, I’ll give them credit for that
Spymaster: (Runs over with guards) My lord. This man, he has killed the Empress
Wind: Now listen, I have a very good reason as to what happened here. You see, there were these guys in masks who just teleported and could make stuff float in the air, and they jumped around and killed the Empress and took the princess. Easily believable stuff
(Six Months Later)
Wind: (In prison) Well fuck
Havelock: We’ve heard many things about you
Wind: All you know about me is that I broke out of prison through the sewers Shawshank Redemption style, and I only smell slightly better than I did in that prison, despite being covered in urine. Some of it is probably my own.
Havelock: We have reports about those who helped the Spymaster make it into power. We need you to go and eliminate those who helped him
Wind: Oh, sounds fun
Wind: (Walking through city) Okay, so, if I want to get rid of these rats that carry the plague, I need to keep a very low chaos, and do everything in my power to not kill everyone, as best as I possibly-
(Three seconds later)
Wind: (Throws firebomb into a crowd of guards as he stabs the others) Well, that’s one way to get through the guards
Emily: I knew you would find me
Wind: Who puts a kid in the care of a brothel owner? Seriously, I know that there are rats literally eating corpses on the fucking streets, but don’t subject children to the abuse and crap you see in brothels. That is just terrible, and that’s saying a lot, cause I killed like fifty guards on the way over here
Wind: Hey, Havelock, I killed everyone. Can I go now
Havelock: Ah, good work (Hands Wind a glass of whisky). To a better future
Wind: Yeah, all that good shit (Drinks whisky, then coughs) Jeez, that stuff tastes funny. Almost as if (Passes out)
Samuel: Hey, sorry about that. Havelock would have killed me if I didn’t. But I only gave you half the poison. I thought you’d be strong enough to survive it. I just hope you’ll understand
Wind: (Travelling down a boat) I’m gonna fucking kill those guys
Havelock: (Holding Emily hostage) Stop right there. Take one step closer and we both die
Wind: Yeah, right. You won’t ju- (Havelock jumps with Emily and they both die) Oh…… shit…………… well, at least the town isn’t swarmed by the plague
Wind: (Leaving by boat as the city of Dunwall collapses from the plague) …… Fuck that. I’m out of here
Empress: Oh, this is terrible
Wind: You’re damn right it’s terrible. I’m the only one in this damn city with an attention span lasting more than five seconds, so if I die, we’ve all pretty much lost the only person worth anything
(A group of assassins kill the Empress and take Princess Emily)
Wind: Holy shit, they just came out of nowhere. And they killed the queen. Well, I’ll give them credit for that
Spymaster: (Runs over with guards) My lord. This man, he has killed the Empress
Wind: Now listen, I have a very good reason as to what happened here. You see, there were these guys in masks who just teleported and could make stuff float in the air, and they jumped around and killed the Empress and took the princess. Easily believable stuff
(Six Months Later)
Wind: (In prison) Well fuck
Havelock: We’ve heard many things about you
Wind: All you know about me is that I broke out of prison through the sewers Shawshank Redemption style, and I only smell slightly better than I did in that prison, despite being covered in urine. Some of it is probably my own.
Havelock: We have reports about those who helped the Spymaster make it into power. We need you to go and eliminate those who helped him
Wind: Oh, sounds fun
Wind: (Walking through city) Okay, so, if I want to get rid of these rats that carry the plague, I need to keep a very low chaos, and do everything in my power to not kill everyone, as best as I possibly-
(Three seconds later)
Wind: (Throws firebomb into a crowd of guards as he stabs the others) Well, that’s one way to get through the guards
Emily: I knew you would find me
Wind: Who puts a kid in the care of a brothel owner? Seriously, I know that there are rats literally eating corpses on the fucking streets, but don’t subject children to the abuse and crap you see in brothels. That is just terrible, and that’s saying a lot, cause I killed like fifty guards on the way over here
Wind: Hey, Havelock, I killed everyone. Can I go now
Havelock: Ah, good work (Hands Wind a glass of whisky). To a better future
Wind: Yeah, all that good shit (Drinks whisky, then coughs) Jeez, that stuff tastes funny. Almost as if (Passes out)
Samuel: Hey, sorry about that. Havelock would have killed me if I didn’t. But I only gave you half the poison. I thought you’d be strong enough to survive it. I just hope you’ll understand
Wind: (Travelling down a boat) I’m gonna fucking kill those guys
Havelock: (Holding Emily hostage) Stop right there. Take one step closer and we both die
Wind: Yeah, right. You won’t ju- (Havelock jumps with Emily and they both die) Oh…… shit…………… well, at least the town isn’t swarmed by the plague
Wind: (Leaving by boat as the city of Dunwall collapses from the plague) …… Fuck that. I’m out of here
Tingle: Oh, hello aga-
Link: GIVE ME THE FUCKING MAP
Tinge: Well, lets see (Counts bag of rupees) Well, it seems to be about right. Here is your map
Link: GREAT! HOW MUCH MAPS DO I NEED LEFT
Tingle: Hmm...... About four
Link: THANK YOU (Leaves)
King of Red Lions: So, where is the next Triforce shard
Link: ON SOME STUPID ISLAND
King of Red Lions: Then let us be off
Link: GOOD IDEA
King of Red Lions: ......Um...... Why are you still yelling. You've been doing that ever since we left the Wind Temple
Link: I TOLD YOU! I'M REALLY FUCKING PISSED
King of Red Lions: Oh right
TO BE CONTINUED
Link: GIVE ME THE FUCKING MAP
Tinge: Well, lets see (Counts bag of rupees) Well, it seems to be about right. Here is your map
Link: GREAT! HOW MUCH MAPS DO I NEED LEFT
Tingle: Hmm...... About four
Link: THANK YOU (Leaves)
King of Red Lions: So, where is the next Triforce shard
Link: ON SOME STUPID ISLAND
King of Red Lions: Then let us be off
Link: GOOD IDEA
King of Red Lions: ......Um...... Why are you still yelling. You've been doing that ever since we left the Wind Temple
Link: I TOLD YOU! I'M REALLY FUCKING PISSED
King of Red Lions: Oh right
TO BE CONTINUED