Narrator: Gather around children, and and I’ll tell you a tale
Child: Why are we here
Narrator: Because I ain’t getting paid by the hour just to sit around with my dick in my hand. Now, this is based on a true story
Child: But you said it was a tale
Narrator: Don’t question my rhyming. Now, it all started in Colorado
Child: Is it South Park
Narrator: No, now shut up. Now, this is the story of of Wind and how he was less of a dick on Christmas
Wind: (Lying his head on the desk, as Christmas music plays on the P.A.)
Cody: Hey, faggy Claus. I learned that one from a movie
Wind: (Sits his head up, looking annoyed)
James: Jeez man, you look like shit
Wind: Wonder why? Maybe it’s because of… Well… Everything
James: What, Christmas? You don’t like Christmas? It’s the best time of the year
Wind: Bah hum fuck
Miku: (Walks in, with Nicole behind her) Konichiwa. Merry Almost-Christmas, everyone
Wind: (Slams his head back on the desk)
Miku: Aren’t you excited, Wind-kun
Wind: (Sarcastically) Oh, I’m just fucking thrilled
Nicole: Come on. I may be a grump, but even I enjoy Christmas
Wind: Bah fucking hum fuck
James: You don’t like the decorations?
Wind: Why raise the electric bill on some pretty colors
Cody: What about the snow?
Wind: If I wanted to kill myself while driving, I’d drive off a bridge
Miku: What about gift giving?
Wind: Why buy something for someone when I hate everyone?
Nicole: And spending time with family and friends
Wind: First off, my family is a bunch of assholes. Secondly, what in the hell is a friend?
Hannah: (Walks in and hands Wind a piece of paper) Here, Wind. This year, the neighborhood is planning on having the brightest lights in town. And since your house is in the neighborhood, we would like it if you would-
Wind: No, I am not turning my house into the colors of the gay pride symbol
Hannah: Wind, you have to. It’s tradition
Wind: Well fuck tradition. Do what you want with the neighborhood, but leave me out of it (Walks off)
P.A.: (Still playing music) Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Cody: Ha! He said gay
Wind: (Sitting in his house, reading a book) Oh, god. Those crazy kids. Why haven’t I read Mein Kampf sooner (Suddenly hears shouting from outside) What the hell is that (Opens his door to find a large group of people outside) What the fuck. What are you all doing in my front yard, get out of here
Hannah: (Leading the group) Stop being a Scrooge and celebrate Christmas
Wind: Maybe I just want to celebrate Hanukkah instead
Townspeople: Don’t lie, you prick. You’re not Jewish
Hannah: Start celebrating, or we will have to use force
Wind: I’d like to see you fucking try, cunt
Hannah: Okay, everyone. As planned (They all begin to sing Christmas carols)
Wind: …….. (Walks back into his house)
Hannah: (Makes the group sing louder)
Wind: (Comes back with a molotov and throws it into the group)
Townspeople: (Run off, screaming)
Wind: There, now that should solve that (Doesn’t notice the fire spreading across his lawn towards his house)
Wind: … What’s that smell
Wind: (Sitting on the sidewalk, since his house burned down)
Police Officer: Well, thankfully, we are able to rebuild your house with your insurance, but that won’t be till after the holidays. Do you have anywhere to stay
Wind: Well-
Hannah: (Comes over) Why, in fact, he does. I am his caring younger sister, and I have a great place for him to stay (Hugs him)
Wind: I’m sorry. The fuck did you just say?
Police Officer: Okay then. Take care
Wind: (Gets out of the hug) What was that?
Hannah: You need a place to stay. Now, you can choose to stay with me or sit in the cold
Wind: Hmm… Go with my little bitch sister or freeze to death in the cold. Well, if those are my options, then let it fucking snow
Hannah: (Brings Wind into her apartment, keeping his arm behind his back)
Wind: Ah! I thought I had a choice
Hannah: Well, I lied (Pushes him onto the couch) Besides, you need to spend time with family
Wind: Oh yes, spend time with the very same person who took all of our parents love, leading me to be sent, BY MAIL, to my grandparents house, who both died before I was sent there, and was forced to eat mice when I was three just to survive. I think I can spend so much more time with someone like that.
Hannah: See, we’ll get along in no time
Wind: I was being sarcastic
Hannah: I know (Smiles)
Wind: (Looks through the cupboards in her kitchen, trying to find something to eat) No ramen? She actually pays for other variety food? What kind of shithole is this? (Walks to the bathroom) Well, I might as well clean the fire ash off of my face (Walks in, only to see Hannah’s silhouette in the shower) ……………… (Closes the door)
Wind: (Violently vomits in the sink) WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? EVER HEARD OF FUCKING LOCKS!? (Continues vomiting)
Hannah: So, Wind, what are you doing today
Wind: Well, first I got to go and smash my head into a brick wall to forget….. Something I saw last night. After that, I’ll be going to the store to pick up real food
Hannah: While you’re there, can you pick up some turkey
Wind: Why?
Hannah: Well, we need one for the Christmas dinner
Wind: And why would I do that
Hannah: Can you just do it
Wind: Fucking fine. Whatever. If it shuts you up… And get a lock on that bathroom door (Walks out)
Wind: (Walking through the store, with a shopping cart full of ramen)
Customer: (Walking next to Wind)
Wind: (Sees the turkey and walks to it)
Customer: (Speeds up his walking)
Wind: (Notices and does the same)
(They both start eventually running to the turkey)
Wind: (Grabs the turkey and starts running)
Customer: (Takes it out of his hand and runs in the opposite direction)
Wind: (Jumps at the customer and knocks them both behind the deli counter) (Wind grabs the customer's hand and pulls it towards a meat slicer) Give me the turkey or I’ll slice this fucking thing off
Customer: (Terrified) Okay, okay. Take it. It’s yours
Wind: That’s what I thought (Takes it and walks out)
Wind: Here, I got the damn turkey
Hannah: Oh good. Now, can you help me with the tree
Wind: …… Why?
Hannah: Come on. Don’t you want to help your sister set up the tree
Wind: I don’t think I do
Hannah: Come on, do it
Wind: No
Hannah: I said do it
Wind: No way
Hannah: DO IT, DAMNIT!
Wind: Okay, okay. Jesus Christ. (Walks over and helps)
Hannah: See, isn’t this nice
Wind: Nice to be with the girl who ruined my life. Yeah, fan-fucking-tastic
Hannah: You got to stop looking at the past and look at the future
Wind: What future. With my luck, I’ll be dead in a year
Hannah: Stop being so negative
Wind: Oh yes, because when you live off a diet of rats before you can even walk, you have so much to be positive about
Hannah: Why do you got to be an angry dick all the time
Wind:Why do you got to be an obnoxious cunt
Hannah: (Punches Wind in the face) What did I say about calling me that
Wind: Oh, I’m sorry. Did that hurt you’re feeling, cunt
Hannah: I should have never let you come here if I knew you were going to be a prick
Wind: I wish I never came too. In just three days, I lost my house, I came to live with you, I saw.. the most horrifying thing ever, and now here you are, calling me a dick, after all the shit you’ve done to me…… You know what, I don’t need this shit (Walks out)
Hannah: Where are you going
Wind: Fucking anywhere but here
Wind: (Walks through a blizzard) Who needs her. She’s a bitch anyway (Trips and falls into the snow)
Ghost: Wind, why must you be so bitter
Wind: ….. Who the fuck are you
Ghost: You mustn’t be so angry all the time
Wind: Have you seen my life. Tell me how I can even be happy
Ghost: Wind, believe me. You should never be this miserable during the holidays. Look around you. Look at the happiness
Wind: What good is it when I have fucking nothing!?
Ghost: You still have your sister and your friends, who all care about you very much
Wind: After the shit I said, you really think they would talk to me
Ghost: It is the season to forgive and to be with loved ones, Wind. You must understand
Wind: ………………. You know…… I think I do. I think I see. Christmas is about being with family and friends. It’s not about gifts, or decorations, or god awful Christmas specials used as a pathetic way to make some more money. It is about being with the ones you care for, and always caring for them
Ghost: Yes, you see the light
Wind: Thank you, ghost. Thank you so much. I shall return to my sister’s at once
Ghost: Oh, silly Wind. You can’t
Wind: Wait, what?
Ghost: You can’t return. You’re dead
Wind: Wait, wha-
Wind: (Left in the snow, frozen to death)
Narrator: The end
Child: But, does that mean the end of the series
Narrator: No. This episode isn’t even canon
Child: But, I thought this was a Christmas special. Aren’t Christmas specials supposed to be happy?
Narrator: Maybe. If you’re a snot-nosed little shit. But I’m afraid reality doesn’t work like you see in the movies, kid. In real life, all you get for Christmas are divorce papers from your wife who takes all the kids and all your money, leaving you to grovel in a dumpster after she took the five star apartment that you worked ten years for, while she marries her richer, younger, more handsome tennis coach while you toke up on heroin syringes and contract AIDS and slowly wither away the pain with a bottle of alcohol and die sad and alone. Merry fucking Christmas kid
Child: ….. But.. where is Wind now
Narrator: Who knows
Wind: (Gets coal for Christmas) Yes! Just what I wanted (Walks outside and throws one coal through his neighbor's window) (Throws another at the neighbor's cat)
Neighbor: (Walks out) Hey, what the hell are you- (Gets hit in the eye with a piece of coal) OH GOD, WHAT THE FUCK
Wind: That’s for cup of sugar you never payed back, asshole
-Seasons Beatings from Windwakerguy430. Have a Merry Christmas and don't bug me for another holiday special
Child: Why are we here
Narrator: Because I ain’t getting paid by the hour just to sit around with my dick in my hand. Now, this is based on a true story
Child: But you said it was a tale
Narrator: Don’t question my rhyming. Now, it all started in Colorado
Child: Is it South Park
Narrator: No, now shut up. Now, this is the story of of Wind and how he was less of a dick on Christmas
Wind: (Lying his head on the desk, as Christmas music plays on the P.A.)
Cody: Hey, faggy Claus. I learned that one from a movie
Wind: (Sits his head up, looking annoyed)
James: Jeez man, you look like shit
Wind: Wonder why? Maybe it’s because of… Well… Everything
James: What, Christmas? You don’t like Christmas? It’s the best time of the year
Wind: Bah hum fuck
Miku: (Walks in, with Nicole behind her) Konichiwa. Merry Almost-Christmas, everyone
Wind: (Slams his head back on the desk)
Miku: Aren’t you excited, Wind-kun
Wind: (Sarcastically) Oh, I’m just fucking thrilled
Nicole: Come on. I may be a grump, but even I enjoy Christmas
Wind: Bah fucking hum fuck
James: You don’t like the decorations?
Wind: Why raise the electric bill on some pretty colors
Cody: What about the snow?
Wind: If I wanted to kill myself while driving, I’d drive off a bridge
Miku: What about gift giving?
Wind: Why buy something for someone when I hate everyone?
Nicole: And spending time with family and friends
Wind: First off, my family is a bunch of assholes. Secondly, what in the hell is a friend?
Hannah: (Walks in and hands Wind a piece of paper) Here, Wind. This year, the neighborhood is planning on having the brightest lights in town. And since your house is in the neighborhood, we would like it if you would-
Wind: No, I am not turning my house into the colors of the gay pride symbol
Hannah: Wind, you have to. It’s tradition
Wind: Well fuck tradition. Do what you want with the neighborhood, but leave me out of it (Walks off)
P.A.: (Still playing music) Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la
Cody: Ha! He said gay
Wind: (Sitting in his house, reading a book) Oh, god. Those crazy kids. Why haven’t I read Mein Kampf sooner (Suddenly hears shouting from outside) What the hell is that (Opens his door to find a large group of people outside) What the fuck. What are you all doing in my front yard, get out of here
Hannah: (Leading the group) Stop being a Scrooge and celebrate Christmas
Wind: Maybe I just want to celebrate Hanukkah instead
Townspeople: Don’t lie, you prick. You’re not Jewish
Hannah: Start celebrating, or we will have to use force
Wind: I’d like to see you fucking try, cunt
Hannah: Okay, everyone. As planned (They all begin to sing Christmas carols)
Wind: …….. (Walks back into his house)
Hannah: (Makes the group sing louder)
Wind: (Comes back with a molotov and throws it into the group)
Townspeople: (Run off, screaming)
Wind: There, now that should solve that (Doesn’t notice the fire spreading across his lawn towards his house)
Wind: … What’s that smell
Wind: (Sitting on the sidewalk, since his house burned down)
Police Officer: Well, thankfully, we are able to rebuild your house with your insurance, but that won’t be till after the holidays. Do you have anywhere to stay
Wind: Well-
Hannah: (Comes over) Why, in fact, he does. I am his caring younger sister, and I have a great place for him to stay (Hugs him)
Wind: I’m sorry. The fuck did you just say?
Police Officer: Okay then. Take care
Wind: (Gets out of the hug) What was that?
Hannah: You need a place to stay. Now, you can choose to stay with me or sit in the cold
Wind: Hmm… Go with my little bitch sister or freeze to death in the cold. Well, if those are my options, then let it fucking snow
Hannah: (Brings Wind into her apartment, keeping his arm behind his back)
Wind: Ah! I thought I had a choice
Hannah: Well, I lied (Pushes him onto the couch) Besides, you need to spend time with family
Wind: Oh yes, spend time with the very same person who took all of our parents love, leading me to be sent, BY MAIL, to my grandparents house, who both died before I was sent there, and was forced to eat mice when I was three just to survive. I think I can spend so much more time with someone like that.
Hannah: See, we’ll get along in no time
Wind: I was being sarcastic
Hannah: I know (Smiles)
Wind: (Looks through the cupboards in her kitchen, trying to find something to eat) No ramen? She actually pays for other variety food? What kind of shithole is this? (Walks to the bathroom) Well, I might as well clean the fire ash off of my face (Walks in, only to see Hannah’s silhouette in the shower) ……………… (Closes the door)
Wind: (Violently vomits in the sink) WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? EVER HEARD OF FUCKING LOCKS!? (Continues vomiting)
Hannah: So, Wind, what are you doing today
Wind: Well, first I got to go and smash my head into a brick wall to forget….. Something I saw last night. After that, I’ll be going to the store to pick up real food
Hannah: While you’re there, can you pick up some turkey
Wind: Why?
Hannah: Well, we need one for the Christmas dinner
Wind: And why would I do that
Hannah: Can you just do it
Wind: Fucking fine. Whatever. If it shuts you up… And get a lock on that bathroom door (Walks out)
Wind: (Walking through the store, with a shopping cart full of ramen)
Customer: (Walking next to Wind)
Wind: (Sees the turkey and walks to it)
Customer: (Speeds up his walking)
Wind: (Notices and does the same)
(They both start eventually running to the turkey)
Wind: (Grabs the turkey and starts running)
Customer: (Takes it out of his hand and runs in the opposite direction)
Wind: (Jumps at the customer and knocks them both behind the deli counter) (Wind grabs the customer's hand and pulls it towards a meat slicer) Give me the turkey or I’ll slice this fucking thing off
Customer: (Terrified) Okay, okay. Take it. It’s yours
Wind: That’s what I thought (Takes it and walks out)
Wind: Here, I got the damn turkey
Hannah: Oh good. Now, can you help me with the tree
Wind: …… Why?
Hannah: Come on. Don’t you want to help your sister set up the tree
Wind: I don’t think I do
Hannah: Come on, do it
Wind: No
Hannah: I said do it
Wind: No way
Hannah: DO IT, DAMNIT!
Wind: Okay, okay. Jesus Christ. (Walks over and helps)
Hannah: See, isn’t this nice
Wind: Nice to be with the girl who ruined my life. Yeah, fan-fucking-tastic
Hannah: You got to stop looking at the past and look at the future
Wind: What future. With my luck, I’ll be dead in a year
Hannah: Stop being so negative
Wind: Oh yes, because when you live off a diet of rats before you can even walk, you have so much to be positive about
Hannah: Why do you got to be an angry dick all the time
Wind:Why do you got to be an obnoxious cunt
Hannah: (Punches Wind in the face) What did I say about calling me that
Wind: Oh, I’m sorry. Did that hurt you’re feeling, cunt
Hannah: I should have never let you come here if I knew you were going to be a prick
Wind: I wish I never came too. In just three days, I lost my house, I came to live with you, I saw.. the most horrifying thing ever, and now here you are, calling me a dick, after all the shit you’ve done to me…… You know what, I don’t need this shit (Walks out)
Hannah: Where are you going
Wind: Fucking anywhere but here
Wind: (Walks through a blizzard) Who needs her. She’s a bitch anyway (Trips and falls into the snow)
Ghost: Wind, why must you be so bitter
Wind: ….. Who the fuck are you
Ghost: You mustn’t be so angry all the time
Wind: Have you seen my life. Tell me how I can even be happy
Ghost: Wind, believe me. You should never be this miserable during the holidays. Look around you. Look at the happiness
Wind: What good is it when I have fucking nothing!?
Ghost: You still have your sister and your friends, who all care about you very much
Wind: After the shit I said, you really think they would talk to me
Ghost: It is the season to forgive and to be with loved ones, Wind. You must understand
Wind: ………………. You know…… I think I do. I think I see. Christmas is about being with family and friends. It’s not about gifts, or decorations, or god awful Christmas specials used as a pathetic way to make some more money. It is about being with the ones you care for, and always caring for them
Ghost: Yes, you see the light
Wind: Thank you, ghost. Thank you so much. I shall return to my sister’s at once
Ghost: Oh, silly Wind. You can’t
Wind: Wait, what?
Ghost: You can’t return. You’re dead
Wind: Wait, wha-
Wind: (Left in the snow, frozen to death)
Narrator: The end
Child: But, does that mean the end of the series
Narrator: No. This episode isn’t even canon
Child: But, I thought this was a Christmas special. Aren’t Christmas specials supposed to be happy?
Narrator: Maybe. If you’re a snot-nosed little shit. But I’m afraid reality doesn’t work like you see in the movies, kid. In real life, all you get for Christmas are divorce papers from your wife who takes all the kids and all your money, leaving you to grovel in a dumpster after she took the five star apartment that you worked ten years for, while she marries her richer, younger, more handsome tennis coach while you toke up on heroin syringes and contract AIDS and slowly wither away the pain with a bottle of alcohol and die sad and alone. Merry fucking Christmas kid
Child: ….. But.. where is Wind now
Narrator: Who knows
Wind: (Gets coal for Christmas) Yes! Just what I wanted (Walks outside and throws one coal through his neighbor's window) (Throws another at the neighbor's cat)
Neighbor: (Walks out) Hey, what the hell are you- (Gets hit in the eye with a piece of coal) OH GOD, WHAT THE FUCK
Wind: That’s for cup of sugar you never payed back, asshole
-Seasons Beatings from Windwakerguy430. Have a Merry Christmas and don't bug me for another holiday special