Announcer 1: Hello everyone, and welcome to another game of High school Baseball. I’m Dave Davidson
Announcer 2: And I’m John Johnson
Dave: And we got a real good game for you all today. It’s the Trenton Democrats against their rivals, the, and I can’t believe this is the team name, Oxford Fascist Fuckers
John: That’s right, Dave. And it looks like the Fascist Fuckers who are gonna get fucked
Dave: Kinda like your ex-wife
John: Very true. Now, lets look at the best players. For the Trenton Democrats, we have Little Ray, with a height of over 7’5
Dave: I still don’t get why they call him Little Ray when he’s so fucking big
John: I think its a metaphor
Dave: What?
John: A metaphor. You know, a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our God”.
Dave: … You got beat up a lot in school, didn’t you
John: And next, we have Jacob Adams
Dave: That guy is a real trooper. In his last game, he got hit with a bat so hard in the groin, his scrotum split open and his balls unraveled like two balls of yarn, and he just kept playing
John: Oh, goddamn. That is just so painful
Dave: Next up is Jessica Brown, the first girl to play in an all boys baseball game
John: Hey, didn’t you two have a thing a while back
Dave: If by thing, you mean a period of sex in the girls locker room that lasted five seconds and left me feeling ashamed and left her disappointed, then yeah, we had a thing
John: And now, the best of the Oxford Fascist Fuckers. We have here with us their amazing pitcher, Morgan Amelia
Dave: I thought you said there was only one girl in an all boys baseball team.
John: No one said there’d be math
Dave: Well, at least she has a great rack
John: Ah, true that
Dave: And next, is Marcus Lak
John: They should be careful of this guy’s speed. He’s so fast, he could finish doing my ex-wife in ten seconds and still satisfy her
Dave: Better than I could do
John: And lastly is Henry Wayne
Dave: I hear this guy is real good at hitting those balls in their special place
John: Lets just hope he can protect HIS special place
Dave: And, now the game is underway. Now, to sing the national anthem. Singing it will be Oxford’s #1 Student, and possibly wanted for several accounts of murder, Wind
Wind: (Stand in the field and takes the microphone) Attention everyone….. 9/11 Part 2 is coming, and you all will probably die. So… you know, do whatever (Throws microphone on ground and walks off)
Person 1: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE
Person 2: I CAN’T DIE
Person 3: WELL I AIN’T GONNA FUCKING DIE (Punches some guy) ALL OF YOU CAN DIE
Person 4: FUCK YOU, YOU DIE (Everyone begins killing each other)
Dave: Jesus, look at that. They're all like a bunch of wild animals
John: Only with a lot more blood in their body
(Person gets hit in the back of the head with a bat)
Dave: That guy’s getting rammed in the back harder than your ex-wife, John
John: Though, to her credit, she doesn’t do it like that
(Person gets thrown onto a giant spike)
John: It’s amazing that a town has giant spikes everywhere
Dave: Are you a city engineer, John
John: Well, no, but-
Dave: Then shut the fuck up. They don’t come up here and tell you how to be a commentator
Wind: (Watches) Now this is a game I could watch all day. Can’t believe they fell for that 9/11 trick. These people will believe anything
Announcer 2: And I’m John Johnson
Dave: And we got a real good game for you all today. It’s the Trenton Democrats against their rivals, the, and I can’t believe this is the team name, Oxford Fascist Fuckers
John: That’s right, Dave. And it looks like the Fascist Fuckers who are gonna get fucked
Dave: Kinda like your ex-wife
John: Very true. Now, lets look at the best players. For the Trenton Democrats, we have Little Ray, with a height of over 7’5
Dave: I still don’t get why they call him Little Ray when he’s so fucking big
John: I think its a metaphor
Dave: What?
John: A metaphor. You know, a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our God”.
Dave: … You got beat up a lot in school, didn’t you
John: And next, we have Jacob Adams
Dave: That guy is a real trooper. In his last game, he got hit with a bat so hard in the groin, his scrotum split open and his balls unraveled like two balls of yarn, and he just kept playing
John: Oh, goddamn. That is just so painful
Dave: Next up is Jessica Brown, the first girl to play in an all boys baseball game
John: Hey, didn’t you two have a thing a while back
Dave: If by thing, you mean a period of sex in the girls locker room that lasted five seconds and left me feeling ashamed and left her disappointed, then yeah, we had a thing
John: And now, the best of the Oxford Fascist Fuckers. We have here with us their amazing pitcher, Morgan Amelia
Dave: I thought you said there was only one girl in an all boys baseball team.
John: No one said there’d be math
Dave: Well, at least she has a great rack
John: Ah, true that
Dave: And next, is Marcus Lak
John: They should be careful of this guy’s speed. He’s so fast, he could finish doing my ex-wife in ten seconds and still satisfy her
Dave: Better than I could do
John: And lastly is Henry Wayne
Dave: I hear this guy is real good at hitting those balls in their special place
John: Lets just hope he can protect HIS special place
Dave: And, now the game is underway. Now, to sing the national anthem. Singing it will be Oxford’s #1 Student, and possibly wanted for several accounts of murder, Wind
Wind: (Stand in the field and takes the microphone) Attention everyone….. 9/11 Part 2 is coming, and you all will probably die. So… you know, do whatever (Throws microphone on ground and walks off)
Person 1: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE
Person 2: I CAN’T DIE
Person 3: WELL I AIN’T GONNA FUCKING DIE (Punches some guy) ALL OF YOU CAN DIE
Person 4: FUCK YOU, YOU DIE (Everyone begins killing each other)
Dave: Jesus, look at that. They're all like a bunch of wild animals
John: Only with a lot more blood in their body
(Person gets hit in the back of the head with a bat)
Dave: That guy’s getting rammed in the back harder than your ex-wife, John
John: Though, to her credit, she doesn’t do it like that
(Person gets thrown onto a giant spike)
John: It’s amazing that a town has giant spikes everywhere
Dave: Are you a city engineer, John
John: Well, no, but-
Dave: Then shut the fuck up. They don’t come up here and tell you how to be a commentator
Wind: (Watches) Now this is a game I could watch all day. Can’t believe they fell for that 9/11 trick. These people will believe anything