Narrator: Long ago, in the kingdom of Hyrule, there lived lots of farmers and only one horse. Suddenly, a giant black guy came and set houses on fire. All hope was lost, until a boy dressed in girls clothes came and defeated the giant black man. The possibly homosexual boy was known as the Hero of Time. The land was in peace for years, until the black guy came back, for some reason, and set stuff on fire again. People hoped the hero would return, but he never did and everyone realized he was just a fucking poser. What happened to the land of Hyrule. None remain who know....... Wait, then how the fuck was I able to read this story if everyone who knew what happened died. That doesn't make sense. Oh screw it, so we meet our legendary hero as he
Link: (Sleeps)
Narrator: ........... WAKE YOUR LAZY ASS UP
Link: Huh, what the fuck was that
Aryll: Hey, Link, I randomly materialized just to tell you what today is
Link: Which is
Aryll: Today is your birthday
Link: ............... Aryll, my birthday is next week
Aryll: Oh... Well, grandma has an early gift for you
Link: Really, well then I guess I don't mind getting woken up. Now, you stay here for story reasons while I go and get my present
Aryll: Do I have to stay here? It's hot, smelly, and the seagulls always try to kill me
Seagull: (Looks at Aryll) DIE BITCH
Link: Yes, stay here. Don't move. I'll be right back (Jumps of tower) (Hits ground) I'm okay. The fact that I'm a cartoon character broke my fall
Grandma: (Hums)
Link: Hey grandma
Grandma: Get off my lawn you filthy kid
Link: No grandma, its just me
Grandma: Oh, hello Link. I guess your sister sent you
Link: Yep... Now give me my present
Grandma: Yes, of course. I got you the best gift any grandmother could give there grandson. Girl's clothing
Link: ................................................. That's it
Grandma: Yep, and if you don't like it, then too bad. Now put them on before I disown you
Link: (Puts on clothes) Why do I have to wear girls clothes
Grandma: Because I don't like you, you know that, now get off my lawn
Link: Were inside the house
Grandma: You know what I mean. Get out, go show people your gay clothes
Aryll: Stay back
Seagull: Kill the bitch
Link: Hey, Aryll
Seagull: Damn, you got lucky, girl (Seagulls fly away)
Aryll: Oh, hey Link, how are............................
Link: What
Aryll: (Laughs) Why are you wearing girls clothes
Link: Shut up, and give me a present. I want something better then this shit
Aryll: Oh, okay, here. I'll give you my lucky telescope. You can have it for one whole day
Link: A day? What kind of shitty gift is that. God, it's not even my birthday and already it sucks... Well, since this world is completely void of television, I guess I'll just look around with this telescope (Looks around)
Postman: Hum de dum dum (Looks up) What the fuck is THAT
Link: (Sees postman) Hey, Aryll, look, the postman is having some sort of crazy seizure.
Aryll: Hey, look, a giant bird
Link: Bird (Looks up) Holy shit, another postman... Wait, what's that (Looks at birds talons to see a girl) Holy shit, look at her
Aryll: Look at who
Pirate: (Launch rocks at the bird) Quick fire the catapults because were to poor to afford cannons (Fires catapult)
Link: (Keeps looking at girl) Sweet Jesus
Bird: (Gets hit with rock) OUCH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! YOU HIT ME IN THE FUCKING FACE, YOU ASSHOLE!!! (Drops girl) (Girl falls into forest)
Link: (Sees girl fall into forest) I got to save her
Aryll: Um, Link... What's that weird bulge in your skirt
Link: (Covers pelvis with hands) Oh, thats nothing. Now, I am going to save that girl... I'll be back in thirty minute (Runs off)
Link: (Walks up path) Yes, I will finally lose my stupid virginity and nothing is going to stop me, and I repeat, NOTH- (Path blocked by trees) MOTHERFU-
Sword Master: (Sits in dojo) (Link walks in) Ah, hello Link, how can I-
Link: Give me a fucking sword
Sword Master: Wow, watch the language Link. Here you are, a sword. Just don't run with-
Link: Yeah, whatever, bye (Runs off)
Link: (Cuts down trees with sword) Okay, now nothing is going to stop me (Birds drop goblins in front of Link)
Link: Oh, what the fuck now
Goblin: Ha ha, we will not let you pass, because were a couple of assholes and that's what we do
Link: Okay then (Cuts the goblins in half with sword) Okay, now is that it. Can I finally save this girl
Narrator: Yes
Link: Finally
Girl: (Wakes up) Uh, thank god I was somehow able to get caught on this branch so I wouldn't die. Now, to get out of this the only way I can. Dance like a moron (Dances and branch breaks) (Falls onto ground) Ouch. That means success.
Link: Hey, are you okay. I am here to res-
Girl: (Laughs)
Link: Now what
Girl: You dress like a homo
Link: Damn you, grandma
Girl: And I don't need saving, I am Tetra, queen of the pirates
Link: Queen... but your like twelve
Tetra: Eh, who cares
Pirate: Tetra, thank goodness your okay,
Tetra: Yes, I'm fine, now lets get out of here
Link: Hey, where are you going
Tetra: Well, were heading to the Forsaken Fortress, a place that is filled with danger, but that isn't any of your business and you can't come, so don't ask.
Link: Oh, I don't mind
Tetra: Really
Link: Yep
Tetra: Oh... Okay
Link: Um, is it a good idea to go across this bridge
Tetra: Ah dunno
Aryll: Hey, brother, I followed you here
Link: Goddamn it, I told you not to follow me
Aryll: Sorry Link, but you know me, I'm like herpes. No matter how hard you try, you can't get rid of me
???: What about if some giant bird took away said herpes
Aryll: Never really thought of tha- Wait what
Bird: Ha ha (Grabs Aryll) Yoink (Flies off)
Link: (Gasps)......... Oh well
Aryll: Hey Link, you get to take care of grandma now that I'm getting kidnapped
Link: .............. Well, time to kill myself (Jumps off cliff)
Tetra: NO (Grabs Link's arm)
TO BE CONTINUED
Link: (Sleeps)
Narrator: ........... WAKE YOUR LAZY ASS UP
Link: Huh, what the fuck was that
Aryll: Hey, Link, I randomly materialized just to tell you what today is
Link: Which is
Aryll: Today is your birthday
Link: ............... Aryll, my birthday is next week
Aryll: Oh... Well, grandma has an early gift for you
Link: Really, well then I guess I don't mind getting woken up. Now, you stay here for story reasons while I go and get my present
Aryll: Do I have to stay here? It's hot, smelly, and the seagulls always try to kill me
Seagull: (Looks at Aryll) DIE BITCH
Link: Yes, stay here. Don't move. I'll be right back (Jumps of tower) (Hits ground) I'm okay. The fact that I'm a cartoon character broke my fall
Grandma: (Hums)
Link: Hey grandma
Grandma: Get off my lawn you filthy kid
Link: No grandma, its just me
Grandma: Oh, hello Link. I guess your sister sent you
Link: Yep... Now give me my present
Grandma: Yes, of course. I got you the best gift any grandmother could give there grandson. Girl's clothing
Link: ................................................. That's it
Grandma: Yep, and if you don't like it, then too bad. Now put them on before I disown you
Link: (Puts on clothes) Why do I have to wear girls clothes
Grandma: Because I don't like you, you know that, now get off my lawn
Link: Were inside the house
Grandma: You know what I mean. Get out, go show people your gay clothes
Aryll: Stay back
Seagull: Kill the bitch
Link: Hey, Aryll
Seagull: Damn, you got lucky, girl (Seagulls fly away)
Aryll: Oh, hey Link, how are............................
Link: What
Aryll: (Laughs) Why are you wearing girls clothes
Link: Shut up, and give me a present. I want something better then this shit
Aryll: Oh, okay, here. I'll give you my lucky telescope. You can have it for one whole day
Link: A day? What kind of shitty gift is that. God, it's not even my birthday and already it sucks... Well, since this world is completely void of television, I guess I'll just look around with this telescope (Looks around)
Postman: Hum de dum dum (Looks up) What the fuck is THAT
Link: (Sees postman) Hey, Aryll, look, the postman is having some sort of crazy seizure.
Aryll: Hey, look, a giant bird
Link: Bird (Looks up) Holy shit, another postman... Wait, what's that (Looks at birds talons to see a girl) Holy shit, look at her
Aryll: Look at who
Pirate: (Launch rocks at the bird) Quick fire the catapults because were to poor to afford cannons (Fires catapult)
Link: (Keeps looking at girl) Sweet Jesus
Bird: (Gets hit with rock) OUCH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! YOU HIT ME IN THE FUCKING FACE, YOU ASSHOLE!!! (Drops girl) (Girl falls into forest)
Link: (Sees girl fall into forest) I got to save her
Aryll: Um, Link... What's that weird bulge in your skirt
Link: (Covers pelvis with hands) Oh, thats nothing. Now, I am going to save that girl... I'll be back in thirty minute (Runs off)
Link: (Walks up path) Yes, I will finally lose my stupid virginity and nothing is going to stop me, and I repeat, NOTH- (Path blocked by trees) MOTHERFU-
Sword Master: (Sits in dojo) (Link walks in) Ah, hello Link, how can I-
Link: Give me a fucking sword
Sword Master: Wow, watch the language Link. Here you are, a sword. Just don't run with-
Link: Yeah, whatever, bye (Runs off)
Link: (Cuts down trees with sword) Okay, now nothing is going to stop me (Birds drop goblins in front of Link)
Link: Oh, what the fuck now
Goblin: Ha ha, we will not let you pass, because were a couple of assholes and that's what we do
Link: Okay then (Cuts the goblins in half with sword) Okay, now is that it. Can I finally save this girl
Narrator: Yes
Link: Finally
Girl: (Wakes up) Uh, thank god I was somehow able to get caught on this branch so I wouldn't die. Now, to get out of this the only way I can. Dance like a moron (Dances and branch breaks) (Falls onto ground) Ouch. That means success.
Link: Hey, are you okay. I am here to res-
Girl: (Laughs)
Link: Now what
Girl: You dress like a homo
Link: Damn you, grandma
Girl: And I don't need saving, I am Tetra, queen of the pirates
Link: Queen... but your like twelve
Tetra: Eh, who cares
Pirate: Tetra, thank goodness your okay,
Tetra: Yes, I'm fine, now lets get out of here
Link: Hey, where are you going
Tetra: Well, were heading to the Forsaken Fortress, a place that is filled with danger, but that isn't any of your business and you can't come, so don't ask.
Link: Oh, I don't mind
Tetra: Really
Link: Yep
Tetra: Oh... Okay
Link: Um, is it a good idea to go across this bridge
Tetra: Ah dunno
Aryll: Hey, brother, I followed you here
Link: Goddamn it, I told you not to follow me
Aryll: Sorry Link, but you know me, I'm like herpes. No matter how hard you try, you can't get rid of me
???: What about if some giant bird took away said herpes
Aryll: Never really thought of tha- Wait what
Bird: Ha ha (Grabs Aryll) Yoink (Flies off)
Link: (Gasps)......... Oh well
Aryll: Hey Link, you get to take care of grandma now that I'm getting kidnapped
Link: .............. Well, time to kill myself (Jumps off cliff)
Tetra: NO (Grabs Link's arm)
TO BE CONTINUED
Tingle: Oh, hello aga-
Link: GIVE ME THE FUCKING MAP
Tinge: Well, lets see (Counts bag of rupees) Well, it seems to be about right. Here is your map
Link: GREAT! HOW MUCH MAPS DO I NEED LEFT
Tingle: Hmm...... About four
Link: THANK YOU (Leaves)
King of Red Lions: So, where is the next Triforce shard
Link: ON SOME STUPID ISLAND
King of Red Lions: Then let us be off
Link: GOOD IDEA
King of Red Lions: ......Um...... Why are you still yelling. You've been doing that ever since we left the Wind Temple
Link: I TOLD YOU! I'M REALLY FUCKING PISSED
King of Red Lions: Oh right
TO BE CONTINUED
Link: GIVE ME THE FUCKING MAP
Tinge: Well, lets see (Counts bag of rupees) Well, it seems to be about right. Here is your map
Link: GREAT! HOW MUCH MAPS DO I NEED LEFT
Tingle: Hmm...... About four
Link: THANK YOU (Leaves)
King of Red Lions: So, where is the next Triforce shard
Link: ON SOME STUPID ISLAND
King of Red Lions: Then let us be off
Link: GOOD IDEA
King of Red Lions: ......Um...... Why are you still yelling. You've been doing that ever since we left the Wind Temple
Link: I TOLD YOU! I'M REALLY FUCKING PISSED
King of Red Lions: Oh right
TO BE CONTINUED