Credit: mugglenet.com

1. Make him take a shower.

2. Make him use shampoo in aforementioned shower.

3. Make him use clarifying shampoo.

4. Apparate next to him, hand him a tube of super-strong facial cleanser, then quickly Disapparate before he realizes what happened.

5. Enchant this cleanser to follow him around until he uses it.

6. ...enchant the cleanser to follow him around anyway.

7. Tell him you stole his teddy bear.

8. Tell him you won't give it back until he agrees to wash his hair.

9. When he washes his hair, tell him you were just kidding and said teddy bear has already been destroyed.

10. Sneak...

Voldemort first laid eyes on Dolores Umbridge when he was at the ministry one day, impersonating the head of the Auror office. He figured it would be a great opportunity to not only stop them from their nation-wide manhunts for his Death Eaters, he could also Imperius them and hopefully kill a few. His stomach tingled with excitement.

As Cornelius Fudge walked by, engrossed in conversation with some lady, Voldemort debated and decided against Imperiusing him to do something stupid in front of everybody. He would have plenty of time to embarrass that idiot Minister when he finally rose to full...

Full Name: Leah Winthrop Colchester. Just call her Leah or Col.

Leah joined the Death Eaters about two years after his first reign of power. Her parents were… "funders of his campaign", you might say, but not direct members. Having an impatient mind, she decided to join them directly, instead of following in her parents' footsteps. They were not happy with their only child's decision but agreed to send her to Hogwarts, where she was sorted into Slytherin with hopes of joining the Dark Lord.

Leah's biggest flaw is holding grudges. If someone did something to her, she'll never forget it. If they...

Credit: sparknotes.com. They have this thing every week called the "Think Tank", and this was the problem from a few weeks ago. Can you guys help our Lord solve the problem? Or will he crucio you into oblivion for not being able to? How word-savvy are you fellow Death Eaters??

Everybody's favorite Dark Lord is dressed in his finest white zoot suit (picture Joseph Gordon Levitt, but with vastly more figurative blood on his hands, or Sue Sylvester, with vastly more figurative blood on hers) and can't wait to meet up with—well, no one, because he has no friends. But nonetheless, he's breathless...

This is my character for the Death Eater RP. Check the article out and tell me if I need to be more descriptive.

My name is Kiana(It's actually my real friend's name [but we call her Kiki] and she would NEVER be in Slytherin) Marie McMahon. I am 17 years old and I'm proud to call myself a Slytherin. I come from a noble pureblood family and am the daughter of Adam and Marie McMahon,who were also in Slytherin. Unfortanetly they passed away. They just got very sick one day. It happened when I was 11. I became a death eater at about the age of 14(last year). During my time at Hogwarts I spent most...

How to annoy, agitate, or freak out Lord Voldemort.
WARNING: Attempt these at your own risk. Author is not responsible for any deaths or torture from trying these.

1. Tell him that Bellatrix is waiting for him to propose.

2. Tell him that Harry is in love with him.

3. Write an apology letter to the Daily Prophet that looks as though it's from him.

4. Turn his Dark Mark into a tatoo of a kitten.

5. Ask him just WHEN did he last take a shower?

6.Anonymously send him a wig.

7. Constantly wink at him, and tell him that his secret is safe with you.

8. Steal Nagini. When he demands her back, claim she likes...

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT A MILEY FAN! I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A FUN SONG TO PARODY, ESPECIALLY SINCE WE BOTH DON'T LIKE MILEY, AND WE WANTED A SONG WE THOUGHT MOST PEOPLE WOULD HAVE HEARD

A Pardoy Of "Can't Be Tamed", from the point of view of Bellatrix. I always thought she had a "Can't be Tamed" Attitude, XD
Big thank you to PaulInDaHood, for helping me write this.

For those who don't know me, I am insa-ane
Crucio-ing muggles every day
'Cause it's fun doing that
Everyone everywhere screams whenever I come by
'cause they know they're gonna die,
'Cause I kill like that

I crucio people 'till they're dead...

Me, Myself, and I

By Rita Skeeter

Exclusive interview with notorious Death Eater Bellatrix Lestrange

"Here I am, sitting in the private dungeon of the notorious Bellatrix Lestrange, most feared follower of the Dark Lord, and having a completely normal interview. Read on to see if there’s more to Bellatrix than just madness and a nasty reputation!"

RS: Hello!

BL: *growls*

RS: Do you mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?

BL: What’s that?

*fingers wand handle threateningly*

RS: Oh, nothing, erm, moving on…Can I call you Bella?

BL: No.

RS: Can I see your Dark Mark?

BL: *glares threateningly* How DARE...

Credit: www.the-leaky-cauldron.org. I didn't write this.

"This afternoon, I was lucky enough to be among 400 other movie fans to attend a test screening of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2" in Chicago, Illinois.
Rumors had been circuiting around the internet about this screening, but confirmation that it was Harry Potter didn't come until just before the film started. Since this was a working cut of the film, many effects and scenes were not finished. At least 50% of the special effects were still in the CGI rendering stage, and green screens were visible throughout the film. Also,...

These are a bunch of funny alternate endings to Harry Potter I found. I did NOT write them.

Scooby Doo ending: Voldemort is captured, and is revealed to be Filch wearing a mask. As he is hauled away, he shouts, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”

South Park ending: After defeating Voldemort, Harry and Ron address the audience, saying, “You know, I’ve learned something today.” Suddenly, Ginny is run over by the Knight Bus, prompting Ron to shout, “They killed Ginny!” Harry responds, “You bastards!” Neville laughs and says it’s...

Name: Katherina Nastacia Smirnov (Also sometimes spelled Smirnoff). Goes by "Kate". If you're mad at her, use her full name, :P

Kate joined the Death Eaters when Voldemort was first in power, and is one of the few female Death Eaters. She is an extremely skilled and accomplished witch, with excellent dueling skills.
Kate is Russian, and started out her schooling at Durmstrang, but transferred to Hogwarts during her third year. She told people it was because she wanted a better education, but it was really because she'd gotten kicked out of Durmstrang. On purpose. She hated it there, and she...

Here's the deal...with everything that's just happened, I feel the need to say a few things. And some of you might not like them. Please read this with an open mind, and understand that i'm not mad, and that this is just my opinion. Like i've also said at the bottom of this article, i'm NOT accusing anyone of anything, and i'm NOT trying to offend anyone. When this whole issue is resolved, I hope I can still be friends with all of you, because you're all great people, and i'm really glad to have met you.
With that, here's "Brutal Honesty, Part 1"

I honestly can't believe how some of you have...

Voldemort didn't really have much experience with love letters. Okay, he had no experience with them, having never really believed in love until he'd laid eyes on Dolores Umbridge.

"Hmmm", he muttered to himself, "You make me feel like I'm being Crucio-ed", he scribbled the lines down on a piece of parchment then crossed the out. What if she didn't like violence or crucio?

"Maybe I should just ask her out", he thought.

After several hours of planning his next move, he conjured up a bouquet of roses. He knew women liked roses. What he didn't know was that women usually preferred their roses to...

Credit: link. I didn't write it myself.

"I like taking pointless Facebook surveys as much as the next person. But, since they’re mostly about kissing, I started to wonder how someone completely incapable of feeling love might handle such things. So I just had to tag my good pal Lord Voldemort in my most recent survey. Here's what he had to say:

Was your last kiss standing up, sitting down, or lying down?
The only kiss I believe in is the Dementor's kiss, and as I have very little soul remaining in my withered husk of a body, one would have little effect on me.

Whose bed were you on last?
Nagini's,...

    Wormtail sighed as he sprayed detergent on the Dark Lords second-best black robe, (which, coincidentally, looked almost exactly like his best black robe. And his third, fourth, fifth, and sixth best black robes as well). He found it rather depressing that even after all he had done, handing over the Potters, and helping the Dark Lord regain his body, that the Dark Lord STILL made him do his laundry and fetch his lattes. At least it wasn’t as bad this time, since Bellatrix wasn’t-
“Hahahahaha!”, came a loud cackle behind him. He buried his face in his hands, which...

Lightning struck in the bitter night. Water trickled down the wall and into my hair. If there were ever such a thing as hell on Earth, this place was it. Azkaban, which has been my home for about a year or two is that hell. It's a place that even the most blood thirsty wizards are known to fear. Just the darkness of this place can turn the calmest woman into a screaming banshee, or the most understanding man into a cynical old grocuh. I blinked as a drop of ice cold water fell onto my forehead and ran down my nose. Just then, I heard a loud scream of a woman, which went on for about three minutes...