Twilight Series

Twilight Series My real life Twilight. Tormented because I married "Jacob".

bellablack46 posted on Jul 27, 2008 at 04:02AM
I apologize for the length, but if you love Twilight then you may enjoy this.
8 years ago, I was 21, after ending a 4 year abusive relationship, I was introduced to "Edward",19, through a blind date. I was in completely in mind blowing, heart exploding love by the second date, He was mysterious and sexy ( think Jonathon Reyes Meyers). After a month, he was telling me what kind of wedding he wanted and what he wanted to name our first child. My heart lept every time I saw him. He confided in me that he was a virgin, said he was waiting for the right girl, his soul mate, and after we made love for the first time he told me how happy he was that he saved himself for me. After 3 months I knew this was it, my true love, my happy ending. Then he had financial troubles, got robbed, college financial aid fell through, and he was supporting his single mother. He started making comments about being worried about being a good provider, saying I deserved more than he could give me, and one time, with a sad look in his eyes he said "I NEED to have my ducks in a row.I wasn't supposed to find you yet". Things were still magical, but I could tell alot was on his mind. One night he came over, I was waiting for him in bed ready to make him feel better and forget his problems, but he told me he needed to spend more time with his best friend (who was also a long time friend of mine) because they had grown apart, and that we had to quit seeing eachother for a while "not forever, maybe a month, maybe a year, but definately not forever".

I was devestated, think Bella in the woods, and zombie like for weeks. The only thing I looked forward to was going to parties on the weekend where he would always show up just to stare at me, so intensly and not trying to hide it, all night long. This drove me crazy. If I tried to talk to him, he would just say "I can't" and leave.

I then had the bright idea that I would talk to his, our, friend and try to mend thier friendship so Edward and I could get back together. So I called "Jacob" and told him we needed to talk.He was more than eager to pick me up. He said he was'nt interested in being freinds with Edward anymore and that I needed to move on and be happy. He told me "Who is HE to be making a fool of YOU, you are so much better than that".Over the next few weeks Jacob and I hung out more, he made me laugh, he talked about the white picket fence future that he wanted, and late one night he confessed his long time love for me. I loved Jacob, but only as a friend. I felt guilty the first time that he kissed me, like I was cheating, and I did'nt feel tingles or fireworks or anything. But I was tired of chasing Edward, He would'nt talk to me, would'nt tell me the real reason why we could'nt be together, and I felt unwanted by him and saw no end in sight. The dream life that I had pictured had all but faded. But Jacob adored me. He was chasing me and that felt nice.

The night that I decided to give Jacob a chance, I called Edward and told him that Jake and I were going to start seeing eachother, giving him one more chance to tell he that he wanted me, that he was ready to quit being miserable ( I loved him too much to let him hear from someone else). His voice cracked, like he was going to cry, and he said loudly "I don't care what you do"...I hung up. The next night the two guys came across eachother somewhere outside of town and got into a big physical fight. There were other people there, but no one will tell me what happened, what was said, or what it was about. All I heard for sure was that Jacob won. Jacob's mom would tell me years later that it was about me.

I heard the next week that Edward had joined the military. I did'nt see him for 2 1/2 more years, and when I did, he just came up to my car window and stared at me with sadness in his eyes. I just looked back and then drove off. By this time, devasteted by Edward leaving town and later the country, Jacobs plans for the future started sounding nice; easy, effortless, no drama, just nice. Of cource there was also no passion. I played the part of a sexually interested girlfriend, when I really felt nothing. But he was my best friend, I was comfortable with him, he adored me for me, and so, with Edward thousands of miles away, I married Jacob.

We have been married 6 years, have a beautiful 3 year old son, and from the outside, a beyond perfect life. Jacob is a great father, great husband, an excellent provider, and I feel like a lucky woman. We are still best friends, but I still don't like to kiss him or have sex with him. He is so passionate towards me, and as badly as I want to and as much as I have prayed about it, I am not attracted to him like that. Of course I have never told him that, and luckily it turns out that I am a decent actress.Don't get me wrong, he's not ugly at all, I just don't feel that way.

I was content playing house until I started reading the Twilight series. In New Moon I cried so hard when Edward left Bella, it was so familiar, and I was depressed for days.But it seems the more I read, even after he came back,the more depressed I get. When Jacob says that if Bells hadn't jumped off the cliff then Edward would have never come back and Bella and Jacob would have been together, my heart ached. Now all I can think about is my Edward. The mystery, the unanswered questions are killing me. I guess Bella would have felt the same way if she had never jumped off the cliff.

He is somewhere out there, I know from mutual friends that not only is he not married but he hasn't dated anyone seriously since me.IN 8 YEARS!

I try to tell myself that I made my choice, took the easy road, the sure thing, and now I need to appreciate how lucky I am and be thankful. I am married to a wonderful man who would die for me in a heartbeat,but anything physical is a chore, a polite gesture to make him feel wanted. I would never, could never, hurt my husband. But I cry everytime I think about NEVER feeling butterflies, passion, anxiousness or tingles ever again. I will NEVER make love again. I'm delightful outside but aching, no writhing, inside.

To anyone who thinks this could'nt happen in real life, think again. That kind of insanly intense love does exist. You can love 2 people at once very much. My wounds should'nt still feel so raw after 8 years, but I believe that Edward was my one shot at true unimaginable bliss. We just never made our way back to eachother. I do love my life, don't get me wrong, I just wish I could feel for Jacob what I feel for Edward.

Comments appreciated. Thanks for letting me tell my story. Talking about it to people who can understand helps.P.S. Can't wait for the new book and the movie!

Twilight Series 29 replies

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over a year ago irreverent said…
Wow-- what a heartbreaking story, made only more so because it all actually happened to you! I was surprised at the similarities of your situation with the one I (thankfully) avoided in the nick of time: I dated my high school sweetheart steadily for over 3 years; we had our share of nasty fights, but no 'on-again, off-again' drama common with many couples. At the core of our relationship, we were extremely loyal best friends to the other. He proposed, and I accepted. One unfortunate thing led to another, however (mainly me feeling a serious change in my feelings for him, and not wanting to be unfair to him), and I ended up breaking up with him the fall after graduation, and soon after dated what had been another close friend of mine. After two years of surface-y friendship, we got back together in March of this year- I wanted that simple feeling of acceptance and love, even if it was absent of passionate love (that's what two years of dramatic relationships will do to you!)

By mid-June, though, I knew I had made a mistake; there is something at the core of our relationship-- maybe the passing of time, or our personalities-- that inhibits me from feeling any true depth of emotion for him, and despite how comforting it was, it simply didn't feel right.

Sorry for the length, and I definetly didn't say all that to encourage you to decide to 'go' one way or the other, just relating my story.

Anyways, that was very brave of you to share, and I enjoyed reading it. I'll send a little prayer your way and I hope things improve for you!
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over a year ago bellablack46 said…
Thanks, I could use it. Some days are better than others. Just trying to stay thankful and positive. Maybe one day my self induced brainwashing will finally work. Looking into hypnosis :)
over a year ago cowgirlfromhell said…
Wow! That's so weird and, well, sorry. I guess this is where the saying, It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, although you do love someone. You probably did the right thing in the long run =]
over a year ago candicunningham said…
I dated a guy in college that I figured was my soul mate, but since it was a long distant relationship, it didn't work out. My husband is a wonderful guy, but not a romantic. The books have made me wonder what if as well. I hate to think what made me realize how much I do love my husband. I loved them both for the longest time, but in 2001, my husband got leukemia. He said it was the first time he realized how much I loved him. He always figured I preferred the other guy. Sadly, in a way, I did--but thinking of losing him made me realize how much I do love him. Now, I still want more romance than he is capable of. He kisses me daily, but rarely with any passion behind it. After reading the books, I demand passionate kisses frequently, and he says, "I wish you'd stop reading those books." I can't imagine how horrible it is for you. I wish you could talk to your Edward and let him know that you still think of him. That would help you decide. You'd be able to see it if he still wanted you in that same way. I have a feeling he does, especially since he even tried fighting for you all those years ago. I wish you the best, and thanks for sharing.
over a year ago Erinx said…
woaaah. that story is amazing! and very very sad! my personal feelings for the book is i love edward lol. you should try talking to edward.. i would want to know how hes feeling.
much luck.
over a year ago burnedivory said…
I have been in some pretty crappy relationships... my edward hasn't come yet, or maybe he has and I let him walk by... But the point is we only have one life to live, and my mom stayed in a no-passion barely any love marriage for me, so that I would know my father and love him... It turns out I would rather have seen her happy than know a father who didn't love my mother to the best of his ability...

I know this is not the case with your jacob because you do love him and he does love you... But we only have one life to live and we only get this one chance to make our decisions the best we can. I am in a relationship with my jacob right now too. He is my best friend and I love him with all my heart- but sometimes that isn't enough... And to have felt what your Edward can offer you, I do not know how you have done the right thing for this long.
And even though I don't know you I am proud of you... But if you were my mom... I would tell you to look into your heart- throw everything out the window responsibility, and the past 8 years- and find out what its telling you.

I wish you the best of luck and hope your story is as happy as I hope bella's will be
over a year ago bellablack46 said…
Thanks for the comments guys. In answer to contacting Edward, I have thought about it, alot, but have decided that unless I am prepared to act on my, or our, feelings I should keep my distance. What if he was still mad at my husband and told him that I contacted him, that would break my husband's heart. Next, if I contact him, while unwilling to rip my husband's heart out, I may end up just hurting Edward even more. If he still loves me, and I call him and confess the same but then say " I truley love you but I can't hurt my husband and my son, sorry" then I would be toturing him. I feel like Edward and I are like the magnets on Bella's fridge, but opposite. Apart we behave ourselves and function like the other isn't there. But if you get us too close, there is no force that can keep us from embracing. I don't trust myself to behave myself while trying to "just talk" to him. I guess I am so involved in being the perfect WIFE and MOTHER, putting everyone else first, that it is too hard to indulge the raging WOMAN inside that says "You only live once, live in passion, live in love!" But trust me, if my Jacob ever gave me an excuse, any reason at all that I would need to justify contacting Edward, I would in a heartbeat. I am just in love with my husbands soul and spirit, and I can't kill that.
over a year ago bellablack46 said…
I thank you for the comment, burnedivory, with tears in my eyes. I have alot to think about, I know. I think I need "Damned if you do, Damned if you don't" stitched on a pillow! :)
over a year ago bellablack46 said…
just an update. i looked on the internet,and after several hours, i found him on myspace (he hides pretty well). emailed him. it's alot easier to talk online (they can't see you cry). he's still in my town. keep ya posted.
over a year ago burnedivory said…
Im not sure what you believe.. But I started reading this book before I started twilight called captivating... it's all about the search and understanding of becoming a woman and what not... It is really quite interesting.. It talks about adam and eve and relates itself to the bible. But even if you don't believe in that, it talks about the psychology behind families and love... and how we need our beauty to be unveiled by men... it may help with a bit of soul searching... I know what you mean. About being damned if you do, damned if you dont. I always wonder about my ex- he was the first guy I ever really dated and cared about but the commitment scared. Because I saw my parent's and their attempt at long term commitment without the Can't sleep can't eat over the fence kinda love... Im scared to really love someone who have so much of a hold over me... I think you get that part. Life is a bout taking risks. And hoping that if its meant to be it will... Que Sera Sera... what will be will be... I hope your feeling better... and I cant wait to hear what he says...Hopefully, that will make this easier.. just remember its usually darkest before the dawn...
over a year ago bellablack46 said…
feeling better already.I'm gonna say a little prayer, and hope that things get clearer soon.
over a year ago Erinx said…
oh good your talking to him atleast online! :D
tell me how it goes!
over a year ago shortynme said…
bellablack46: Wow, that's a real amazing story. My best friend (we'll call her J) had kind of the same situation. She had her Edward in New York for a few years. When she moved away for college they broke up and at college she met her now husband (G). J and G were really happy but J kept wondering the whole "What if" with her Edward. After being totally fed up she ASKED her husbands permission to contact him. We both know that it almost killed G for J to call Edward because he knew how much they had loved each other. But for the sake of her happiness he let her. All he asked in return was that he be allowed to sit in the room while she was on the phone with Edward. For J, just being able to do this, gave her a closure she had been looking for. She appreciated G in a whole new way, as Edward wasn't the same person. He had changed over the years and wasn't the man she remembered. They parted as friends but she was so grateful to G for being strong enough to let her do that. He's a great guy and I'm so happy for her.
With that, I know you would never want to hurt your husband, but if you possibly try speaking to him you might be surprised at the strength he has. As he is your best friend he might be more than willing to help you find the happiness you need. I'm not saying that your Edward will be totally changed (like J's was) but you never know. If nothing else be honest with your Jake. Tell him about your doubts and fears. Tell him about how badly you want to feel passion towards him, but you don't. Even if it hurts him, being honest will help you both. I find that talking about horrible things, although hard to deal with, make both people feel better in the long run. I wish you the best of luck!
over a year ago starry-eyed said…
you should def. contact him...
not seeing him and knowing that he isn't happy can make you feel so depressed.
this can only make you feel better.
you really need to talk to him about what had really happened so he won't hate you forever.
he doesn't understand bull and he does really need to know the true story.
maybe you can still be friends and keep in contact.
hopefully it would make you feel better!
GOOD LUCK!
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over a year ago paola1901 said…
I totally identify with you. knowing me, I know I would've done the same, marry my Jacob knowing that Edward wasn't coming back. I tend to take the easy way.

I wish I could give you a good advice, but I don´t have any, I just hope you have the happy ending you deserve ;)

Good Luck!!
over a year ago cheergeek said…
You told me to write a response to this article. But after reading it, I truly don't know what to say. It could just be because I don't particulary like the way you compared Edward and Jacob, esp Jacob.

I can say though that I admire you strenth to move on for your family. Family's a very important thing.
over a year ago Sarenyia said…
Ok, you've emailed him... NEED an update!!!
Your family are important. Very important! But so is your peace of mind. Right now it's waiting for a reply from him and taking it from there.
over a year ago wild-child11 said…
i think u need 2 think things over, ur story almost made me cry (and i never cry!). if u pick 'edward' jus make sure u tell ur 'jacob' b4 u persuse anything bcoz as u said he's aa nice guy and deserves the truth. but whatever happens dnt tell him that u r talkin 2 'edward' until u r sure of ur decision. and dnt worry about ur son im sure he'll understand, im sure he'd rather want his mum in a lovin passionate realtionship than unsure. and even if u dnt pick edward at least u cant wander what if now and u can be sure, also doesnt love in some relationships come after a long time?
over a year ago bellablack46 said…
no update to report. Sent a short sweet email which he hasn't read yet. I love how MySpace will let you know if they have even read it so you know they are'nt ignoring you. wild-child 11 you are in the exact same mindframe as me except for the last phrase. I think rarely, and that kind of love is kind of what got me into this sittuation. I think you develope more mutual respect and admiration as a parent, spouse, son, etc. But I think passion is something you should have in the beginning, and work hard to keep. If you never had it, I think it's unlikely to develope.

There is alot I did'nt share (simply because it would take hours to type and read). Over the last year, Jacob seems to have lost his...enthusiasm. What attracted me to a life with him was his outlook on the future, how adventurous he was, his friendliness and fierce loyalty, how he put others first and made a point to make others feel special, and the kind of father I thought he would be. But over the last couple of years, I have watched him slowly change into someone who, instead of living life to the fullest and striving to be better, is lazy, complacent, and simply existing instead of living. Instead of joing my son and I for a trip to the zoo or even playing ball in the back yard, he sits in the house watching TV or playing PS3. I have tried to tell him that he is wasting days and precious time, but he doesn't seem to care. I have told him it seems he is choosing much less important things over time and memories with the people who should be most important. I even asked him to talk to someone or get on some meds. He laughed at me, a condescending laugh. He said there is nothing wrong with him and doesn't even try to change. He's rude, and selfish, and indifferent. I can't live like this and won't raise my son in a home with a uninvoled father ( I had one & would rather have thought he was dead then watch him sit in a recliner and act like I did'nt exist). I still love him, but if he won't attempt to change and acts like I am being over sensitive, then we don't stand a chance. I'll never cheat, it's not in me to inflict pain on someone else but if I descide that, without a doubt, my future is elsewere then I will #1 give him one last chance to put some effort into our marriage and life and if he still says there is nothing wrong with him, I'll #2 have a long talk about exactly why I can't be with him. Edward will never enter the conversation. I dedicated myself to Jacob as long as it was healthy and the best for both of us (had we kept the same values, mutual respect, and priorities then it may have lasted forever and I may not be writing this though Edward would still be in my heart and mind always). At this point I'm not sure he's happy. He used to be. I want to see both of us happy, together or apart. I almost wish that he would imprint on someone so I would'nt feel so bad.

I still have no clue how Edward feels. He may be so over me that he would be shocked that I even contacted him (can you sense my mental defense mechanism here) but my heart thinks otherwise. Reguardless, I know how it feels to love that deeply, and once you have felt that, a life without it, or at least without persuing it, seems like a life wasted. I won't waste my life.
over a year ago bellablack46 said…
btw, I know I said in my article that we have a perfect life and everything, and some days we do, and on bad days our marriage is probably still above average. But since I have wrote this, and finally spoke to my closest friend about it, my sister, I have really realized how badly he has been acting. Whan you FORCE yourself to open you eyes and look deep into your soul (which is hard and scarey and sometimes dissapointing but always worth it) then you see things that you hide from yourself or try to ingnore and act like they don't bother you. It has all surfaced in the last 3 days. So don't think I was lying in my article, just seeing what I wanted to see.
over a year ago lheck0410 said…
if you feel like your jacob is loosing his enthusiasum then are you sure that it was the right thing? i am happy to know that you are happy with him and have a beautiful son, but just give it another run through in your mind.

dont do anything to suddenly and definently dont do anything that you will regret later.

i think that you should stay in contact with edward. but if he does reply back make sure that you are not making his or your wound deeper by talking to "your other half". it's unfair to him and yourself if you are just talking to him or faking him out.. but maybe you can be best friends with him as well..

hoping everything works out as it should..

laura heck :)

god bless you
over a year ago Sweetiecheeks said…
Oh my goodness, this is more hearbreaking than The Notebook (in my eyes).

I'm glad you feel you did the right thing, otherwise that would be utterly horrid! But after reading this story I can also believe in true love. And if it's somehow possible, you should try sending it to Stephenie sometime (when she isn't AS busy).

Thank-you for sharing this, it's a well told story. Even though the length of it tavels over 8 years,your memory is still so strong.

Have a beautiful life,

Megan Ina Cullen (alias...sorry)
over a year ago wild-child11 said…
after reading ur last entry its remained myself of my parents. my parents were dating but only married due 2 the fact my mum was pregnant with my brother. i do believe my parents r in love but sometimes i think it would b easier 4 my parents jus 2 divorce as they are always aruguing and my dad is constantly drinkin. my dad is also reminded me of ur husband 'jacob' as i cant remember the last time he wanted 2 go out as a family and as a child i grew up watchin my dad watch tv. i also believe my mum resents my and my brother sometimes as if its our fault. due to this fact i resent my parents and wish that they could be more like any other family. what im tryin 2 say is u dnt want ur son 2 end up like me resentin his parents (you). im sorry if this sounds kind of harsh. moving off the topic of my parents but what if your husband lack of enthusiasm is due to the fact he can already feel your worries and now he's startin 2 resent you. maybe he feels that u loved edward more (even if u do dnt admit it). maybe u should give ur marridge one last try, talk it over with him and make sure he relieved of his insecurities. tell him about how u feels about ur relationship. tell him ur promblems what u think is wrong however dnt mention 'edward'. maybe even try consuling. if it doesnt work u know what u hav 2 do, but keep a gd relationship with him and try 2 stay friends but give him space. however dnt jump into a relatioship straight away with 'edward' hav some time on ur own work out ur feelings.
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over a year ago shortynme said…
You know, there's a lot more to this situation than I first though. If your Jacob isn't being a good father/husband then you do have to change that. Don't let your son be ignored or feel unloved by his father for even an instant!
It's clear to see that you've already figured out what you need to do to make yourself happy. Tell him that. Give him his last options and then act, don't be too scared and don't let yourself get sucked back in if it's for the best to leave.
over a year ago aanniiee_ said…
:(

I'm a hopeless romantic, and your story is really heartbreaking.

It's obvious that you are not happy, not as happy as one should hope and strive to be in life. And you've recently said that it doesn't seem like your husband is happy either. And if you AND your husband are not happy, your son will eventually pick up on that! It doesn't sound like it's meant to be, for you OR him.

You've said many times that you don't want to hurt your husband, but have you ever considered that maybe the best thing for your husband would be for you to let him go? to give him a chance to find HIS happiness and the love of his life?

It's like Kate Winslet says in The Holiday: "You're supposed to be the leading lady of your own life, for God's sake!" It's really brilliant, the epitome of finding your inner strength.
over a year ago fanpire101 said…
im glad u wrote that, it shows how complicated life can be,i would love to help you, give you advice, but i cant really do that, since i've never been in that kind of situation, plus you are the only one who can make the choice, i hope all goes well for you, hope you can fix things with your jacob and maybe learn that your edward is still out there, good luck and let us know if there is anything new!
over a year ago cmc4faith said…
I have something to share very similar and I will have to add it later since my husband will be returning home very soon. But, for the time being, I without a doubt, recommmend you contacting Edward and seeing if the passion is still there. I know you said you did through myspace, but he may not be checking it anymore if he's anything like some of my friends who rarely check theirs. CALL HIM!
over a year ago cmc4faith said…
well, I'm back. I want to share that I believe I have too married my "Jacob". I do love him, but the passion is not there between us. I had a few "Edwards" in my life in high school and the beginning years of college, but they were always the bad boys that I couldn't trust. I understand this spark of passion you speak of because I have felt it in previous relationships, but for some reason the loss of trust is there, too. My "Jacob" is one I know will always be there for me and whom I can trust without a doubt in my mind, but that problem lies therein that I cannot seem to feel the same sort of passion that I had in previous relationships. I so much want to feel this passion. It is pulling me into a deep depression lacking the passion, but having the reliable, loving husband that doesn't see the hurt I feel. I too feel when we touch or kiss it is more mechanical than anything. I wish I could too feel the passion as Stephenie has expressed Bella and Edward having in her books. I so need that passion right now. It feels as though it is the air I breathe that is being taken away from me slowly, but surely. I so want to feel that same connection and sparks. Any advice? I so wish those sparks could happen between me and my husband "Jacob". Can it happen?!?
over a year ago Lost_Cookie said…
Wow
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