Actually, I'm going to be asking for a pay decrease.

Michael: What do you mean "Um hmm"?

Stanley:...

I mean I'm learning nothing

Dwight: X terra is not even a real word
Andy:

Andy: Actually, it is. It's Latin for "earth."
Dwight: So you drive an X-Earth?



Michael: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like...

a cookie-cookie?

Dwight: Here's another ridiculous one - anal fissures.
Kevin: ...

That's a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin:...someone has it

Jim: "If we get this, they might not have to downsize our branch..."

and I can go on working here for years. And years and years.

Kevin: Karen, how do you feel that your boyfriend nearly got beat up over another woman?

Karen:...

i feel great kevin, thank you.

Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican...

JanSunPrincess.jpg.


Sasha: Do you need any help?
Angela:

No. We'd just have to explain everything. It'll go much faster if we just do it ourselves.
Toby: Ok... I wasn't expecting that...

Michael: Wow, that's really the American Dream, isn't it?
Oscar: Yes, it is.
Michael:

Michael: Is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?
Oscar: Mexican isn't offensive


Dwight: What was the cause of Robert Mifflin's suicide?
Ryan:

Ryan: Depression?
Dwight: Wrong. He hated himself.


Michael: And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the best looking one upstairs. You still getting it regular man? I mean...

I could tell her it's part of the job."

Michael: "That's offensive and lame, so...

double offensive.

"And I do not care if that convict is white, black, Asian, German..."

or some sort of halfsy.

Ryan: That was something, I don't know what I'd do in that situation.

Kelly:...

I can. You would have left me to fend for myself. Like that time we were on the Ferris Wheel and that kid dropped a milk shake on me and you just laughed.



Michael: You didn't know it was my birthday.
Toby: I guess I forgot.
Michael: ...

"Well, I guess I forgot to give youa doughnut."

"You look cute today, Dwight."

Jim.

"That's what she said. NO TIME! But it is. NO TIME!"

i_kissed_dwight...this is FINISH THE QUOTE, not WHO SAID THE QUOTE. :)

Jim: You look cute today, Dwight
Dwight: Thanks, girl.


Jim: So this possible client they're talking about is actually a big deal. It's Lackawanna County. Our whole county. And if we get this...

Opps. Looks like I'm playing too many games at once. Sorry! :)

"...I could work here for years and years."

Michael: "Now, a lot of people say that Kelly is one in a million. And that's true, but it's also not true. Because, frankly..."

...there are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.


Michael: Basically, I am co-giving away the bride. Since I pay her salary it is like I'm paying for the wedding. Which I'm happy to do. It's a big day for Phyllis. But...

it's an even bigger day for me. "Employer of the Bride".

Andy: I don't trust you...

Phyllis."

Dwight: "My boss isn't funny. I don't get to...

wear my ties.


Dwight: The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin. Straight teeth. Curly hair. Amazing...

breasts. Not for me, for our children. The Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Andy: I'll be the #2 man here in Scranton in 6 weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I'm always thinking one step ahead ...

like a carpenter...who makes stairs.

Kelly: I know you all becam accountants because...

...you're not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. Give yourselves a round of applause!



Toby: This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest scheduled raise by...

threatening to whith hold sex.



Kelly:I don't get why you won't go. Did I do something wrong? I mean, I thought we were really close friends.
Pam:I just feel kind of tired, you know?
Dwight: Maybe you..

have mono.
Pam: Yeah, maybe.

Dwight: If I could menstruate...

i wouldn't have to worry about calenders. i could just count back from my prevous cycle

Dwight: no who did trump fire
Jim: you didn't see it?
Dwight:...

I was out getting drunk with my paint ball buddies. Damn it, what was I thinking? I never go out on Thursday night.

Pam: Let's say my teeth turned to liquid and dripped down my throat. What would you call that?
Jim:...

Jim: I thought you said you were making up diseases.


MIcheal: SPAMSTER!
Pam:....

Pam, plus ham, plus...
Michael: Hamster.

Dwight: OK, I'm gonna need to search your vehicle. Give me your keys.
Ryan: I'm not giving you my keys.
Dwight: Don't make me do this the hard way.
Ryan: What's the hard way?
Dwight:

Dwight: I go down to the police station, on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant. Once he has said warrant, he will drive over here and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.

Creed: You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
Dwight: You're thinking of a chicken.
Creed:

What did I say?


Michael: In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses...

move to the Caymans.

Andy: How's things with you and what's her name?

Jim:...

"You know her name."

Michael: "Oh is that supposed to come off?"
Dwight: "Hey look! Cool...

fire ants!!!

Pam: What did you guys talk about?
Jim:

Jim: Oh, just you know - politics, literature...

Michael: If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I will kill you.
Bob Vance: If you ever lay a finger on Phyllis, I'll kill you.
Michael:

Agreed. No fingers will be laid on Phyllis.


(FROM DELETED SCENE of "Initiation", one of the funniest ever!!)
Michael: I mean, they're just dough twisted up with some candy. They taste so good in my mouth.
Stanley: ...

That's what she said.

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says; I am...

Dwight: I don't care what Jim says; That is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure.

Andy: So Michael had a little chat with corporate and they decided to send me to management training...

"...Anger management, technically, but still. Management material."

Dwight: "Due to a recent incident involving Phyllis, a man, a map, and his penis - I think you know what I'm referring to..."

Michael has authorized me to form an emergency anti-flashing task force.


Dwight: Pam, you can draw, kind of. Why don't you work with Phallus on drawing a picture of the exposer that I can post around the community?
Pam: Phallus?
Dwight: Phyllis, sorry. I've...

"got penis on the brain"

Harvey the computer:"Me so horny, me love you long tim"
Michael: "Oh, that is gross"
Pam: "Who's long tim?"
Harvey: "Long time. Me...

love you long time"

Michael: What is that, a squid's eye?

Hannah Smokeridge Barr: .....

It's my left breast.



Michael: I have been calling people "faggie" since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And...

you can tell me how you do that to another man.

Pam: Based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, I would have to say that you aren't a very good driver.

Dwight:...

Oh man! Am I a woman?!

Michael: It would be inappropriate for me to...

take a bath with pam. as much as i might want to.

Michael: Do you mind if i wear that for the photo?
Ryan: ummm...