February, 4, 2010, As Uncle Frank, Jeff and I left the concert arena in a town in Maryland I was completely silent. The most I ever did the whole ride to the hotel was waving to a few of my fans. When we got to our room I went outside to the balcony with my acoustic guitar. For a half an hour I just sat there thinking, biting my bottom lip and fighting back tears. Then I slowly started to strum the chords to Cindy Lauper’s song Time After Time, Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--
sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds
chorus:
if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time
Jeff came out and stood next to me as my hair blew in the wind. He said” that was absolutely amazing, wow and I thought you were great before…how come you don’t sing like that on stage”? I said” because that wasn’t Alanna Jackson”!!! He said” what do you mean A.J”? I said” that was daddy’s little girl pouring out her soul”!!! I gazed at the sky and said” I know he is out there…. I like to sing my feelings… you know songs with meaning”!!! Jeff said” I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose your only to lose your only parent”. I felt a tear roll down my face and said” why did I give him such a hard time growing up”? Jeff said” you’re still a kid and that’s just your stubborn personality “. My cellphone rang and I answered it while trying to pull myself together. I said” why do you want me to open the door Chris”? I ran back inside the hotel room and opened the door. Chris was standing there with Reegan in his arms and had a smile on his face. I said” what are you doing here and why do you have the baby”? He passed my Reegan and said” I came here to give you something”!!! He put Reegan’s updated birth certificate in my hand and I finally found out when his birthday is. He was born on January, 13th, 2010. I took him out of Chris’s arms and sat down on the bed. Chris could tell that I was so stressed out by the dark circles under my eyes. He started to set up the play pen and asked me to help him fix one of the legs on it. I was fixing it while he lifted it off the ground. His hand slipped and the play pen landed on my foot. It didn’t hurt but that was what finally threw me over the edge. I said” you know what, you do it yourself”!!! I walked back outside slamming the door behind me. He looked at Uncle Frank and said” what did I do”? Uncle Frank said” I don’t know but, you need to go after her”. Chris walked out to the balcony and stood next to me staring out at the city. After a few minutes he said” I know that you are dealing with a lot right now and I want to help you”. I said” I’m a mother now and I’m still trying to figure out my life”. He grabbed my hand and said” don’t forget about me; I’m a father now too”. I sighed and said” you can leave me at any time but… I can’t leave Reegan; how do I know you won’t leave me”? Chris looked me in the eyes and said” I could have left you as soon as you took Reegan but, I didn’t and I’m not going to…EVER”!!! At that moment I knew I wasn’t alone and said laughing” so have you changed a baby’s diaper before”? He said” no [laughs] I guess I will have to learn though”. We walked back into the hotel room and said together” were all good with each other now”. Chris grabbed Reegan from Uncle Frank and sat down next to me on the couch. I said” maybe you should change him”. Chris went into the bathroom and I said call for me if you need my help”. He shut the door and I turned on the T.V. I sat there watching Family Guy I was glad that I was able to relax. Between school work and fame I have been waiting for a lazy day. I’m happy that Grandma is mostly taking care of Reegan while I’m on tour because I don’t know how I could deal with all of this and be a good mother. Chris opened the door and had a big wet spot on his shirt. He looked at me while trying not to laugh. I fell off the couch because I was laughing so hard. He said” I can’t believe Reegan went to the bathroom on me”!!! I was still on the floor and said” boys do that”!!! Chris put Reegan on my bed and said” are you going to lie on the floor or all night”? I said with a playful wine” Chris I’m too tired and lazy to get up”!!! He was about to pick me up and I said” no way; not with that on your shirt”. He took it off and threw me over his shoulder. He tossed me on the bed and put Reegan in his crib. Chris got up with the baby all night long… it felt so good to get some rest!!!
February, 5, 2010, I woke up this morning and Chris was feeding Reegan a bottle. I got ready for the day and while I was brushing my teeth Chris was defiantly thinking about something. He walked up to me with the baby in his arms and said” I think I should take care of him when you’re on tour”. I didn’t even have anything to say and took Reegan out of his arms. I walked around the room patting him on the back. All the sudden I felt something cold go down my back and Chris rushed over to help me. We were going out for breakfast and to go shopping. When the three of us got to a small diner we sat down and Reegan started crying. I did all I could to get him to stop but, nothing seemed to work. When our food came I struggled to eat while trying to rock him in my seat. I said” I’m the mom with the baby that won’t be quiet; everyone is staring at me”. Chris laughed saying” they are staring at you because you’re a teenage mega star, not because of Reegan”!!! I started to laugh and said” oh yeah… I forgot”!!! Then we went to babies R us to get stuff for Reegan. I decided that Reegan is going to have a Disney cars room since I’m a huge pixar fan. As we were picking out the bedding I really felt like a mom for the first time. Chris was getting super excited about being a dad. A bunch of people were taking photos and I didn’t care because I want to be a good role model for my son. We stopped to get some ice cream and sat down on a park bench. Chris said” your 16th birthday is coming up soon…do you think your family is going to do anything special for you”. I said” I don’t think so…in less they are hiding it from me”. Chris said” well, I am going to have the best gift for you whether or not you have a party”!!!
March, 14, 2010, My birthday is tomorrow and Chris is coming to Havenhurst to spend time with me. I have a 4 week break from touring and I can’t wait. I was sitting on the couch at home when he walked in the door. Chris sat next to me and gave me a kiss. When Prince came home Chris said” can I talk to you outside Prince”!!! When they were both gone I noticed that Chris seemed nervous about something. After an hour the two of them came back inside Chris was as white as a ghost and sweating like crazy. While he was watching T.V I looked over at him and he was moving something around in his pocket. I said” what’s in your pocket”? He said stuttering” nothing at all”!!! I said” I know your hiding something from me”!!! I chased him all over the house saying” show me what is in your pocket”? He was like that for the rest of the day….
March, 15, 2010 I am officially 16 years old today. The strange thing is that no one has said happy birthday to me yet and it’s almost 5:00pm!!! Chris is taking my somewhere but…he won’t tell me where. Aunt Latoya took Reegan shopping so I could have a break. When we got in the truck I saw that he was playing in his pocket again. While I was holding his sweaty hand I could feel him shaking and said” are you alright; you look pale Chris”!!! He gave me a smile but, no answer. We pulled into a parking lot full of cars. He said” I bought a dresser for Reegan’s room from here and I need your help carrying it out to the truck”. I put my on hat on backwards and hopped out of the truck. We walked up the steps and Chris opened the door. It was pitch black so I turned the lights on and there was tons of people screaming” HAPPY BIRTHDAY”!!! I was shocked and said” I can’t believe it… I really thought everyone forgot”!!! Chris said” it was all your brothers’ idea”. Prince ran up to me and gave me a hug. I said” thank you so much; you’re the best”!!! Everyone I knew was there including the celebrities. Kenny was sitting next to the Jonas brothers. I walked over to him and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. We danced for 3 hours and then it was time to open gifts. We were all laughing and having fun. After I opened my last gift, Chris said” I have one last gift for you”!!! Everyone had no idea what he was talking about but Prince winked at me. Chris said “you know I love you with all my heart”. I said” yeah I know and I love you too”? He said” you’ve been asking me what’s in my pocket…I think it’s time that I ask you a question”!!! He grabbed my hand and stood me up. He pushed his chair in and said” I want to spend the rest of my life with you. He dropped down on one knee and pulled a black case out of his pocket. I put my hand over my mouth and he said” Alanna Jackson will you marry me”!!! Chris was shaking as he held the 14 karat diamond ring that has a silver band in front of me. I said “YES” and jumped into his arms. Everyone clapped and cheered. He put me down and put the ring on my finger. Prince said” he asked me if he could marry you…that was our talk”!!! I gave him a hug and went over to Kenny because he was crying. I hugged him and said” just think soon I will be…MRS. CHRISTOPER ROBERTS”!!!!!!!!
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion--
is nothing new
Flashback--warm nights--
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after--
sometimes you picture me--
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said--
Then you say--go slow--
I fall behind--
the second hand unwinds
chorus:
if you're lost you can look--and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you--I'll be waiting
time after time
Jeff came out and stood next to me as my hair blew in the wind. He said” that was absolutely amazing, wow and I thought you were great before…how come you don’t sing like that on stage”? I said” because that wasn’t Alanna Jackson”!!! He said” what do you mean A.J”? I said” that was daddy’s little girl pouring out her soul”!!! I gazed at the sky and said” I know he is out there…. I like to sing my feelings… you know songs with meaning”!!! Jeff said” I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose your only to lose your only parent”. I felt a tear roll down my face and said” why did I give him such a hard time growing up”? Jeff said” you’re still a kid and that’s just your stubborn personality “. My cellphone rang and I answered it while trying to pull myself together. I said” why do you want me to open the door Chris”? I ran back inside the hotel room and opened the door. Chris was standing there with Reegan in his arms and had a smile on his face. I said” what are you doing here and why do you have the baby”? He passed my Reegan and said” I came here to give you something”!!! He put Reegan’s updated birth certificate in my hand and I finally found out when his birthday is. He was born on January, 13th, 2010. I took him out of Chris’s arms and sat down on the bed. Chris could tell that I was so stressed out by the dark circles under my eyes. He started to set up the play pen and asked me to help him fix one of the legs on it. I was fixing it while he lifted it off the ground. His hand slipped and the play pen landed on my foot. It didn’t hurt but that was what finally threw me over the edge. I said” you know what, you do it yourself”!!! I walked back outside slamming the door behind me. He looked at Uncle Frank and said” what did I do”? Uncle Frank said” I don’t know but, you need to go after her”. Chris walked out to the balcony and stood next to me staring out at the city. After a few minutes he said” I know that you are dealing with a lot right now and I want to help you”. I said” I’m a mother now and I’m still trying to figure out my life”. He grabbed my hand and said” don’t forget about me; I’m a father now too”. I sighed and said” you can leave me at any time but… I can’t leave Reegan; how do I know you won’t leave me”? Chris looked me in the eyes and said” I could have left you as soon as you took Reegan but, I didn’t and I’m not going to…EVER”!!! At that moment I knew I wasn’t alone and said laughing” so have you changed a baby’s diaper before”? He said” no [laughs] I guess I will have to learn though”. We walked back into the hotel room and said together” were all good with each other now”. Chris grabbed Reegan from Uncle Frank and sat down next to me on the couch. I said” maybe you should change him”. Chris went into the bathroom and I said call for me if you need my help”. He shut the door and I turned on the T.V. I sat there watching Family Guy I was glad that I was able to relax. Between school work and fame I have been waiting for a lazy day. I’m happy that Grandma is mostly taking care of Reegan while I’m on tour because I don’t know how I could deal with all of this and be a good mother. Chris opened the door and had a big wet spot on his shirt. He looked at me while trying not to laugh. I fell off the couch because I was laughing so hard. He said” I can’t believe Reegan went to the bathroom on me”!!! I was still on the floor and said” boys do that”!!! Chris put Reegan on my bed and said” are you going to lie on the floor or all night”? I said with a playful wine” Chris I’m too tired and lazy to get up”!!! He was about to pick me up and I said” no way; not with that on your shirt”. He took it off and threw me over his shoulder. He tossed me on the bed and put Reegan in his crib. Chris got up with the baby all night long… it felt so good to get some rest!!!
February, 5, 2010, I woke up this morning and Chris was feeding Reegan a bottle. I got ready for the day and while I was brushing my teeth Chris was defiantly thinking about something. He walked up to me with the baby in his arms and said” I think I should take care of him when you’re on tour”. I didn’t even have anything to say and took Reegan out of his arms. I walked around the room patting him on the back. All the sudden I felt something cold go down my back and Chris rushed over to help me. We were going out for breakfast and to go shopping. When the three of us got to a small diner we sat down and Reegan started crying. I did all I could to get him to stop but, nothing seemed to work. When our food came I struggled to eat while trying to rock him in my seat. I said” I’m the mom with the baby that won’t be quiet; everyone is staring at me”. Chris laughed saying” they are staring at you because you’re a teenage mega star, not because of Reegan”!!! I started to laugh and said” oh yeah… I forgot”!!! Then we went to babies R us to get stuff for Reegan. I decided that Reegan is going to have a Disney cars room since I’m a huge pixar fan. As we were picking out the bedding I really felt like a mom for the first time. Chris was getting super excited about being a dad. A bunch of people were taking photos and I didn’t care because I want to be a good role model for my son. We stopped to get some ice cream and sat down on a park bench. Chris said” your 16th birthday is coming up soon…do you think your family is going to do anything special for you”. I said” I don’t think so…in less they are hiding it from me”. Chris said” well, I am going to have the best gift for you whether or not you have a party”!!!
March, 14, 2010, My birthday is tomorrow and Chris is coming to Havenhurst to spend time with me. I have a 4 week break from touring and I can’t wait. I was sitting on the couch at home when he walked in the door. Chris sat next to me and gave me a kiss. When Prince came home Chris said” can I talk to you outside Prince”!!! When they were both gone I noticed that Chris seemed nervous about something. After an hour the two of them came back inside Chris was as white as a ghost and sweating like crazy. While he was watching T.V I looked over at him and he was moving something around in his pocket. I said” what’s in your pocket”? He said stuttering” nothing at all”!!! I said” I know your hiding something from me”!!! I chased him all over the house saying” show me what is in your pocket”? He was like that for the rest of the day….
March, 15, 2010 I am officially 16 years old today. The strange thing is that no one has said happy birthday to me yet and it’s almost 5:00pm!!! Chris is taking my somewhere but…he won’t tell me where. Aunt Latoya took Reegan shopping so I could have a break. When we got in the truck I saw that he was playing in his pocket again. While I was holding his sweaty hand I could feel him shaking and said” are you alright; you look pale Chris”!!! He gave me a smile but, no answer. We pulled into a parking lot full of cars. He said” I bought a dresser for Reegan’s room from here and I need your help carrying it out to the truck”. I put my on hat on backwards and hopped out of the truck. We walked up the steps and Chris opened the door. It was pitch black so I turned the lights on and there was tons of people screaming” HAPPY BIRTHDAY”!!! I was shocked and said” I can’t believe it… I really thought everyone forgot”!!! Chris said” it was all your brothers’ idea”. Prince ran up to me and gave me a hug. I said” thank you so much; you’re the best”!!! Everyone I knew was there including the celebrities. Kenny was sitting next to the Jonas brothers. I walked over to him and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. We danced for 3 hours and then it was time to open gifts. We were all laughing and having fun. After I opened my last gift, Chris said” I have one last gift for you”!!! Everyone had no idea what he was talking about but Prince winked at me. Chris said “you know I love you with all my heart”. I said” yeah I know and I love you too”? He said” you’ve been asking me what’s in my pocket…I think it’s time that I ask you a question”!!! He grabbed my hand and stood me up. He pushed his chair in and said” I want to spend the rest of my life with you. He dropped down on one knee and pulled a black case out of his pocket. I put my hand over my mouth and he said” Alanna Jackson will you marry me”!!! Chris was shaking as he held the 14 karat diamond ring that has a silver band in front of me. I said “YES” and jumped into his arms. Everyone clapped and cheered. He put me down and put the ring on my finger. Prince said” he asked me if he could marry you…that was our talk”!!! I gave him a hug and went over to Kenny because he was crying. I hugged him and said” just think soon I will be…MRS. CHRISTOPER ROBERTS”!!!!!!!!